Battle for Money

THIS is not a battle of the sexes, or the battle of the wits. When Hu and Dr. Who get it on, it's a battle of who can keep at it the longest until turning blue in the face. This week's topic of discussion does money buy happiness?

It starts off with Dr. Who wanting a PS3. Hu, being as technologically retarded as they come, wonders why on earth Dr. Who would want a PS3 in the first place. 'God of War, Tekken, Medal of Honor, NFS,' Dr. Who replies, rolling his eyes. 'It's to play games on.'

'Sounds like a waste of time and money.'

'EVERYTHING is a waste of time and money. Might as well be happy wasting your time and money.'

'What about taking a deep breath and smelling the roses? It makes you feel good, and it doesn't cost the earth either.'

'But they do cost SOMETHING. Since you're spending money anyways, why not on a PS3?'

'Oh, ho, and what happens when you get tired of your PS3?'

'I'll just buy a brand new PS4. Hey, it's human nature. You want more and when you get that something more, you're happy for a while. Not all of us are out there to achieve Nirvana, kiddo. We don't have the time for that. We make do with what we have money.'

'That's what's wrong with this world. Why do we keep craving things all the time? You don't NEED things to be happy.'

'What, roses are non-existent, are they?'

'You don't have to own a rose to love it. A PS3 you have to own.'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever, roses are things, too. And a PS3 is a thing. Better things cost more money. I'm sure you'd be thrilled to have a nice orchid, but you fool yourself into thinking you're content just staring at it because otherwise it would dent your wallet.'

'Not true! Even if someone gave me a half-wilted orchid I'd still be delighted. It's the thought that counts.'

'Thoughts don't count. Suppose I wanted to buy you a Ferrari. So I bought you a toy one. The thought is still there, but is it the same? No. Both toy and real Ferrari would cost money. But the real one would make you happier. Hence money buys happiness, since I'd be pretty damn happy with a friggin' Ferrari.'

'Which brings me back to my original point what you want isn't really necessary.'

'That's beside the point. The fact that “if I could afford it and buy it, I'd be happy”, is the point. We didn't need homes when we were sheltered perfectly well in caves. We didn't need fire when raw meat seemed to taste pretty good. But no! We wanted easy food. We wanted comfort. So we had the homes and farmsteads and towns and so on and so forth. We didn't need them, but we still went out and got them, because we were the only species in the animal kingdom with a cool pair of hands. Face it, the basis of human civilization has been materialism. You can't go against it.'

'Is that so?' Hu demands, her grapes of wrath very heavy for the vintage. 'Ask yourself this: what is money? It's a mode of trade. It's a necessity of society. Money does not buy happiness. Tell me. What joy is there in a nice meal without someone interesting to share it with? What good is a PS3 without friends to play multiplayer with? Money buys friends? No! Money buys bees looking for honey that will sting you the moment you run out of it and don't care what happens to you as long as you're paying the bill at Westin.'

'Well,' Dr. Who scoffs, 'since spontaneous affection is so hard to come by these days, I think I'll settle for some general affection that'll make me happy. Not over the moon perhaps, but happy nonetheless At least, then I'll know what to expect as the outcome.'

'I can't believe you said that.' (Insert explosion of fury). 'That is such a stupid, hedonistic, apathetic thing to say…'

And the war wages on.