Psychiatric Helpline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.


If you have
multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If you are
paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.


If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.


If you are
depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


If you are
delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you
are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

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