Laff lines

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




The Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man's haircut was done, he placed the boy in the chair."I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"





Bush-sense

"Larry King asked President Bush if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who is about to collect a huge inheritance."-Jimmy Kimmel





All set up

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your exboyfriend.""I know, but I don't hold any grudges.""I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.""Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double.""Wow! Is that true?""I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age.





Talking Dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there."You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"


The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.”

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