What is "Fortnight"

What is "Fortnight"

"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights." In the US "two weeks" is more commonly used. I always thought fortnight was a night spent inside a fort, possibly in a cellar.


A smaller unit of time is a 'jiffy' which is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. So when people tell you they will be 'back in a jiffy', you just know they are lying because that's just not physically possible.


Speaking of time, if the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take eight minutes for people on earth to be aware of the fact. Of course, when it does stop shinning, it will be followed by a really bright flare that will wipe us off the face off the earth. In fact, the face of the earth itself will be wiped off. Bet that's one situation that even cockroaches won't survive.


On a related note, light travels at the rate of 186,200 miles a second. Now someone please invent a car made of light.


While we are on the subject of time, space, continuum and more importantly dates, any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th in it. Now isn't that an amazingly useless piece of information. Unless of course, that's the day the sun suddenly stops shining. That would make it a very important day.


And if you've got any more time left, a bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of the sea beneath a moving vessel. And you thought it was supposed to measure how long it takes to take a bath? You use a watch for that.

Laff lines

Laff lines

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




The Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man's haircut was done, he placed the boy in the chair."I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"





Bush-sense

"Larry King asked President Bush if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who is about to collect a huge inheritance."-Jimmy Kimmel





All set up

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your exboyfriend.""I know, but I don't hold any grudges.""I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.""Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double.""Wow! Is that true?""I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age.





Talking Dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there."You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"


The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.”

Jokes of the Day Husband VS Wife

Jokes of the Day Husband VS Wife

Men always have better friends... They will stand by you, no matter what...!!!

Here is an example:

Friends of women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirmed that she was with them.

Friends of men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his (boy) friend's apartment overnight. So the wife calls 10 of her best friends and 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!!

How to Pass Office Time

How to Pass Office Time

Today's Exclusive Poem

Today's Exclusive Poem

When I stand, I stand Firmly

When I Trod, I trod Confidently

When I work, I work Diligently

When I Give, I give Heartily

When I Receive, I receive Thankfully When I Deal, I deal Honestly

When There’s Knowledge, I grasp Hungrily

When I Listen, I Listen Attentively

When I Believe, I Believe in Reality When I Speck, I speck with Authority

When I am Challenge, I face it Courageously

When in Doubt, I approach Cautiously

When it’s Unsafe, I focus on Security

When I Socialize, I do it Joyfully

When I am Tired, I Relax Freely

When I Sleep, I Sleep Peacefully

When I Pray, I Pray Sincerely

When I do Anything, It’s to my Best Ability

Yes! I Live With Pride and Dignity

English Prisoner

English Prisoner

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.

He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.

He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.

So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing.

The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German doctor replied, "Nein, ve do dis no more!" The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"

Ugliest Dogs Competition

Ugliest Dogs Competition

Gus the dog has three legs, one eye and no hair, except for a white tuft on the top of his head. He's a real winner.

The pedigree Chinese crested won the World's Ugliest Dog contest on Saturday at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California.

His owner, Jeanenne Teed, brought Gus all the way from St. Petersburg, Fla., to compete for the dubious distinction

After the excitement of the moment, Teed characterized her dog's reaction: "Well, I think right now he's ready for a nap."

The Chinese crested breed is a popular choice in this annual contest. Last year's champ, Elwood, was a Chinese crested and Chihuahua mix.

Gus' owner won $500 and will be flown to New York to appear on "CBS This Morning." The event will be aired on the Animal Planet network in October.

JOKES

JOKES

WEIRD RESUME CLAIMS

Top 10 Least Impressive Resume Claims

10. Supervised Southern Florida election process, 2000 – 2001.
9. Graduated in top 95% of high school class.
8. Designed & implemented company-wide plastic silverware recycling program.
7. Promoted to assistant groundskeeper after just 8 years.
6. Hobbies / Interests : Puppetry, Star Trek.
5. Published in Penthouse Forum, April 1980, August 1981.
4. Professional affiliations : American Bar Association, Former Inmates of America.
3. Created Herbal Essence “orgasmic” shampoo commercials.
2. Skills include : Reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmetic.
1. Invented the Internet.


It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale were the mail reason for the long line that formed in front of the store 8:30, the store’s opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud & colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, & then thrown to the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I’m not opening the store!”




A man had been driving all night & by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, & park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out & saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, Sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock & answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks & left. The man settled back again, & was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window & another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks & left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by & he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen & paper & put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”





The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked, “Who never talks to mother?
Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, daddy, you get the toy.”




The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurance at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand, “Yes,” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’

FUNNY PICTURE

FUNNY PICTURE

COMIC SCENE

COMIC SCENE