JOKES

WEIRD RESUME CLAIMS

Top 10 Least Impressive Resume Claims

10. Supervised Southern Florida election process, 2000 – 2001.
9. Graduated in top 95% of high school class.
8. Designed & implemented company-wide plastic silverware recycling program.
7. Promoted to assistant groundskeeper after just 8 years.
6. Hobbies / Interests : Puppetry, Star Trek.
5. Published in Penthouse Forum, April 1980, August 1981.
4. Professional affiliations : American Bar Association, Former Inmates of America.
3. Created Herbal Essence “orgasmic” shampoo commercials.
2. Skills include : Reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmetic.
1. Invented the Internet.


It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale were the mail reason for the long line that formed in front of the store 8:30, the store’s opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud & colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, & then thrown to the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I’m not opening the store!”




A man had been driving all night & by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, & park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out & saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, Sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock & answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks & left. The man settled back again, & was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window & another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks & left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by & he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen & paper & put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”





The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked, “Who never talks to mother?
Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, daddy, you get the toy.”




The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurance at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand, “Yes,” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’