Fun Archive

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How Internet Will Not Work Properly

MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.

Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

Gameboy web browsers.

Two words: "Microsoft Network"

Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

Weird Jokes

@ How many publishers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

@ How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"

Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

@ How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?

Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

@ How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

@ How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

@ How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?

Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

The elixir of life, from also known as the elixir of immortality or Dancing Water or Persian and sometimes equated with the philosopher's stone, is a legendary potion, or drink, that grants the drinker eternal life or eternal youth. Many practitioners of alchemy pursued it.

The elixir of life was also said to be able to create life. It is related to the myths of Enoch (Jewish mythology), Thoth (Egyptian God), and Hermes Trismegistus, all of whom in various tales are said to have drunk "the white drops" or liquid gold and thus achieved immortality. It is also associated with the Qur'an's Al Khidr ('The Green Man'), and is mentioned in one of the Nag Hammadi (city in Upper Egypt) texts.

It is not clear that any such potion has ever been discovered though alchemists in

ancient China, India, and the Western world spent a great deal of time and effort on it. In Ancient China, various emperors sought for the fabled elixir with various results. Some men who went for it never came back. In India Amrit or Amrut has been described in the Hindu scriptures which are the oldest compiled source of information known to humanity. Anybody who consumes even a tiniest portion of Amrut has been described to gain immortality.

In the Middle East the term elixir is derived from the Arabic Al-Ikseer, which itself may have come from the Persian Aab-e-Hayaat . This was due to the efforts of Arab and Persian alchemists in the medieval Near East in finding an elixir of life. Though they never found it, they contributed to advances in Persian medicine.

In Europe the Comte de St. Germain, an 18th century nobleman of uncertain origin and mysterious capabilities, was also reputed to have the Elixir and to be several thousand years old.

In April 2008, a group of young scientists demonstrated, in a Portuguese television program that it is possible to immortalize yeast cells. Thanks to the expression of "immortality genes" that exists in a vegetable extract, they had proved that they can hinder the death of yeast in fatal conditions of stress. But immortality for humans still seems unattainable and the quest for the Elixir of Life continues.

For College Students

Start Worrying When...

You consider McDonalds 'real food'.

4.00AM is still early on weekends.

You'd rather clean than study.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime.

You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps.

There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time.

The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit.

Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life.

You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.

Experts plead to save tropical forests in peril

US experts on Monday pleaded for boosted efforts to protect tropical forests, which are key to ensuring biodiversity and fighting climate change but are increasingly threatened by deforestation.
"I am gravely concerned about what is happening with tropical forests," William Laurance, a researcher with the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute in Panama told AFP.
"There is a very high rate of destruction of the old growth, ancient forests."
He said the equivalent of 50 football pitches of virgin rainforest was being destroyed every minute amid global warming, large scale habitat fragmentation, and changes in rainfall.
Intense hunting in areas of the tropics was also leading to the disappearance of "hundreds of species of amphibians," he said.
"Now we have synergy among those different threats," Laurance said.
"So when you talk about global warming for example because it's getting hotter, species in the tropics, where it's possible, will naturally try to move up to higher elevations where it's a little bit cooler.
"In many cases they will be trapped by habitat construction, cattle pass, degraded lands," he warned.
Laurance is one of the authors of a report presented Monday to a conference organized in Washington by the Smithsonian Natural History museum.
"Indonesia is now in terrible shape, losing more than two million hectares (4.9 million acres) of forest per year. Borneo is being devastated," he said.
More than half of the planet's 20 million square kilometers (eight million square miles) of rainforests has already been cleared for human use, while another five million square kilometers (two million square miles) has been selectively logged, said Greg Asner from the Carnegie Institution.
But he said major swathes of land, or some 350,000 square kilometers (140,000 square miles), have been abandoned by human inhabitants and are beginning to grow back.
"Moreover, the regrowth is relatively quick. The forest canopy closes after just 15 years. After 20 years, about half of the original biomass weight has grown back," he said.

How to Relieve Stress

Nutrition System

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

African drinks very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

Italian drink large amount of red wine and suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Doctor Jokes

Funny Daddy

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital whilewaiting for their wives birth giving.

Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy, "Congratulations,you got twins!"."Ohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy.

"I am working with the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy,"Congratulations! You have triplets!""Wooow!, this is a coincident too" said the second daddy "I am working for 3M

Corporation"Another nurse came out and told the third daddy,"Congratulations!Your wife give you 4 babies," "Maybe this is also a coincident".

"I work at Four Season Hotel!"While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrol worry.All the 3 daddies asked him, "why do you seem so worry??"He answered, "i am working with Seven-Eleven !!!"

The Check Up

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?""In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.""This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

Boyfriend Wanted a Remoth Control Plane & Got A Wii

A couple accused of assaulting each other over an unappreciated Christmas gift have been ordered to stay away from each other.

Randi Young, 24, and Heath Blom, 26, were arrested on Christmas day. Police said the pair argued after Blom complained about getting a Wii game system from Young instead of the remote control airplane he asked for.

When Young started to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her by the hair and she turned around and hit him.

In court Monday, Young asked that the no-contact order be lifted, saying they just had a bad Christmas. But the judge denied the request.

Prince Harry apologises for racist language

Britain's Prince Harry has apologised for using racist language after a Sunday newspaper reported he had filmed himself calling an army colleague a "Paki" and telling another he looked like a "raghead".

The video obtained by the News of the World plunges the 24-year-old prince, the third in line to the throne, into fresh controversy four years after he sparked outcry by wearing a Nazi swastika at a fancy dress party.

The newspaper posted the video on its website and said it was made in 2006 when the prince was still an officer cadet.

It begins as he is waiting with his platoon in an airport departure lounge for a flight to a training exercise in Cyprus.

Touring the room with a video camera as his colleagues snooze, he spots an Asian cadet and says: "Anybody else around here?... Ah, our little Paki friend, Ahmed."

5 Worst Popes

Pope Stephen VI: had his predecessor exhumed, tried, de-fingered, and thrown to the river

Stephen VI was Pope from 896 to 897. Fueled by his anger with Pope Formosus, his predecessor, he exhumed Formosus's rotting corpse and put "him" on trial, in the so-called "Cadaver Synod" in January, 897.

With the corpse propped up on a throne, a deacon was appointed to answer for the deceased pontiff, who was condemned for performing the functions of a bishop when he had been deposed and for receiving the pontificate while he was the bishop of Porto, among other revived charges that had been leveled against Formosus in the strife during the pontificate of John VIII. The corpse was found guilty, stripped of its sacred vestments, deprived of three fingers of its right hand (the blessing fingers), clad in the garb of a layman, and quickly buried; it was then re-exhumed and thrown in the Tiber.

All ordinations performed by Formosus were annulled.

The trial excited a tumult. Though the instigators of the deed may actually have been Formosus' enemies of the House of Spoleto (notably Guy IV of Spoleto), who had recovered their authority in Rome at the beginning of 897 by renouncing their broader claims in central Italy, the scandal ended in Stephen's imprisonment and his death by strangling that summer.

Pope Benedict IX: the Pope who sold the papacy

Benedict IX was Pope from 1032 to 1044, again in 1045, and finally from 1047 to 1048, the only man to have served as Pope for three discontinuous periods. Benedict gave up his papacy for the first time in exchange for a large sum of money in 1044. He returned in 1045 to depose his replacement and reigned for one month, after which he left again, possibly to marry, and sold the papacy for a second time, to his Godfather (possibly for over 650 kg /1450 lb of gold).

Two years later, Benedict retook Rome and reigned for an additional one year, until 1048. Poppo of Brixen (later to become Pope Damascus II) eventually forced him out of Rome. Benedict’s place and date of death are unknown, but some speculate that he made further attempts to regain the Papal Throne. St. Peter Damian described him as “feasting on immorality” and “a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest” in the Liber Gomorrhianus, a treatise on papal corruption and sex that accused Benedict IX of routine homosexuality and bestiality.

Pope Sergius III: ordered the murder of another pope and started the "pornocracy"

Sergius III was Pope from 897 to 911, and has been the only pope known to have ordered the murder of another pope and the only known to have fathered an illegitimate son who later became pope; his pontificate has been described as "dismal and disgraceful." The pontificate of Sergius III was remarkable for the rise of what papal historians call a "pornocracy," or rule of the harlots, a reversal of the natural order as they saw it, according to Liber pontificalis and a later chronicler who was also biased against Sergius III. This "pornocracy" was an age with women in power: Theodora, whom Liutprand characterized as a "shameless whore... [who] exercised power on the Roman citizenry like a man" and her daughter Marozia, the mother of Pope John XI (931–935) and reputed to be the mistress of Sergius III.

Pope John XII: raped female pilgrims and invoked pagan gods

John XII was Pope from 955 to 964. On 963, Holy Roman Emperor Otto I summoned a council, levelling charges that John had ordained a deacon in a stable, consecrated a 10-year-old boy as bishop of Todi, converted the Lateran Palace into a brothel, raped female pilgrims in St. Peter's, stolen church offerings, drank toasts to the devil, and invoked the aid of Jove, Venus, and other pagan gods when playing dice. He was deposed, but returned as pope when Otto left Rome, maiming and mutilating all who had opposed him. On 964, he was apparently beaten by the husband of a woman with which he was having an affair, dying three days later without receiving confession or the sacraments.

Pope Leo X: sold indulgences, killed cardinals

Leo X was Pope from 1513 to his death in 1521. He is known primarily for the sale of indulgences to reconstruct St. Peter's Basilica and his challenging of Martin Luther's 95 theses. According to Alexandre Dumas, "under his pontificate, Christianity assumed a pagan character, which, passing from art into manners, gives to this epoch a strange complexion. Crimes for the moment disappeared, to give place to vices; but to charming vices, vices in good taste, such as those indulged in by Alcibiades and sung by Catullus."

When he became Pope, Leo X is reported to have said to his brother Giuliano: “Since God has given us the papacy, let us enjoy it.” His extravagance offended not only people like Martin Luther, but also some cardinals, who, led by Alfonso Petrucci of Siena, plotted an assassination attempt. Eventually, Pope Leo found out who these people were, and had them followed. The conspirators died of “food poisoning.”

Some people argue that Leo X and his followers simply concocted the assassination charges in a moneymaking scheme to collect fines from the various wealthy cardinals Leo X detested.

Man Dresses Girlfriend inSteling Money

A Chilean man tried to steal $80,000 from his randmother by disguising his 21-year-old girlfriend as the woman and having her withdraw money from the bank.

The man falsified his 82-year-old grandmother's identity card and his girlfriend wore a latex mask.

They might have gotten away with it if it weren't for a bank worker who called the grandmother's home and learned she was visiting relatives in Venezuela.

"She acted like an elderly woman, was dressed as elderly woman and moved like one. It was a good impersonation," Victor Mellado, head of client service at the Banco de Chile in the port city of Talcahuano in southern Chile told local television.

92 Year Old Groom Still Looking For Bride

Egyptian authorities have banned a 92-year-old Saudi man from marrying a poor teenage girl 75 years his junior, a judicial source said on Saturday.

The justice ministry made its ruling under a law designed to prevent wealthy Arabs from the Gulf from snapping up young Egyptian girls and which forbids marriage when there is an age gap of 25 years or more.

The unidentified Saudi holidaymaker proposed marriage to a 17-year-old village girl and offered a dowry of about 28,000 dollars as well as jewelry, the source said."Her parents, who are very poor, accepted," he told Agence France Presse.

But the justice ministry refused to register the marriage, citing the legislation brought in during the Gulf oil boom.

However, according to Egypt's Al-Akhbar newspaper, the authorities allowed 173 such marriages last year after the foreign husbands paid the equivalent of 8,000 dollars to the Egyptian National Bank.

Vesectomy Reversed on Horse

"This is kind of interesting turnaround," said Dr. Sherman Silber, a St. Louis urologist who pioneered reversible vasectomies in 13,000 humans and helped with the horse surgery. "The human becomes the 'test animal'... We've made so much progress because the human really is the perfect model."Luis Padilla, the zoo veterinarian who performed the reversal surgery in Washington, said the procedure was a first for this species and likely for any endangered species.

A similar surgery was successfully performed while Padilla was a resident at the Saint Louis Zoo in 2003 on South American bush dogs, which resemble Chihuahuas. They are classified as vulnerable but not endangered.The "temporary vasectomy" could have a significant impact on how animals are managed in captivity by giving zookeepers a new way to control the animal's offspring without having to neuter them or use contraceptives that can change an animal's behavior.

Minnesota, the 20-year-old horse, had a vasectomy in 1999 at his previous home at the Minnesota Zoo. A vasectomy may be performed on an endangered animal because of space constraints, the size of species or if an animal has already produced many offspring and its genes are overrepresented in the population, said Budhan Pukazhenthi, a reproductive scientist at the National Zoo's Conservation and Research Center in Front Royal, Va.Scientists later realized Minnesota was one of the most genetically valuable horses in the North American breeding program based on his ancestry.

The Przewalski horse population is based on the genes from only 14 original animals. Zookeepers hope to find a suitable female for Minnesota in July.The breakthrough "could have a very significant effect on how this species is preserved," Padilla said.Still, reversible vasectomies carry notable risks - from putting a horse to sleep for each operation to placing the horse on its back for the surgery.

"I'm sure some people will look at it as a great way for managing species in captivity, and I'm sure others will look at it as something they don't want to do," Padilla said.Cheryl Asa, director of the American Zoo and Aquarium Association's Wildlife Contraception Center, said the reversible vasectomy could be useful in isolated cases but probably won't be adopted broadly.

Violence in EURO 2008

Four couples in the same road ended up in custody in Italy after fighting over watching Euro 2008 on TV.

A police spokesman in Lucca said: "We kept getting calls about disturbances in the same road and at first we though they were about one single incident but the addresses were all different.

"When our officers got to the four different houses we found though it was the same argument - the men had refused to let their wives watch films when the football was on."The women had been so angry they attacked their husbands.

We had to take all of them into custody before we could resolve the matters," added the spokesman

95 Pounder Berger

It is known as the home of 'the whopper' and Burger King is hoping its latest product really lives up to its reputation.

The fast-food giant has launched a £95 burger - all in the name of charity.

Setting a new record, the world's most expensive burger is available at its restaurant in Gloucester Road, West London.

It will eventually be available to order via a hotline.

The fine ingredients of what is called simply 'The Burger' include wagyu beef, white truffle, pata negra ham slices, cristal onion straws, modena balsamic vinegar, lambs lettuce, pink himalayan rock salt, organic white wine and shallot infused mayonnaise in an Iranian saffron and white truffle dusted bun.

No ToplessTanning

Women who sunbathe topless are being warned to cover up and avoid overexposure as Dubai imposes stricter rules on the Western practice after receiving a number of complaints, press reports revealed. Signs will be posted on the beach to warn women—usually tourists who are unaware of the country's traditions—against going topless, an official at Dubai's trendy Jumeirah Beach Park was quoted as saying in the UAE's XPRESS.

Many of Dubai's female residents filed complaints about the offensive practice, which they say mainly happens on 'women's day' and insist topless women attract peeping toms.

Balajani Brown, a 56-year-old Croatian, said that she stopped her teenage daughter from going to the beach and added that people coming from various cultures should respect UAE traditions. Meena, a 15-year old Egyptian student, told XPRESS that lifeguards always argue with women to cover their bodies.

A beach lifeguard, Vivian, said that some women apologize as soon as she talks to them while others argue and insist that it's a public beach and that they are free to do what they want with their bodies."These incidents are reported to the supervisor," she told the paper.

Bat Found in Bra

A teenager was stunned to find that a baby bat had been curled up inside her bra for five hours - as she was wearing it.

Hotel receptionist Abbie Hawkins thought her mobile phone was ringing when she felt vibrations, reports the Daily Telegraph.

But she later discovered the tiny creature tucked away in the padded pocket of her underwear.
As staff and colleagues crowded around, Miss Hawkins, 19, produced the frightened bat, which her manager later released outside.

She said: "Once I realised it was a bat I was shocked, but then I felt quite sorry for it really. It looked very snug in there and I thought how mean I was for disturbing it."

Miss Hawkins, who works at the Holiday Inn Norwich North, added: "When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket."

It was not until her lunch break when she felt a strange movement inside her bra, which had been hanging on her washing line the previous night.

"I plucked up the courage to investigate and I pulled out a little baby bat. I just lost my breath when I saw it and I did not know what it was at first," she said.

Jaime Eastham, of the Bat Conservation Trust, said they had never heard of a bat being found in a bra before. But she said the animals roost anywhere that appears dark and safe.

Muslim Couple Marriage Held Via Mobile

An Indian Muslim couple has exchanged wedding vows by telephone after the groom, who lives abroad, said he did not have money to return home to get married, a cleric said.Muslim clerics on Friday married Irin Biswas, 18, to Safikul Islam, who is employed as a labor supervisor in Kuwait.

The entire village in Murshidabad, West Bengal, watched as the clerics put a mobile phone on speaker mode, enabling them to hear the wedding vows."They said qubul (I do) thrice and the marriage was complete," Maulana Alamgir, a cleric who solemnized the marriage said by telephone. He said modern ceremony was not against Islamic laws.

The bride, in endless interviews to the local media, said she had seen Safikul only once, when he was home for holidays"I have never spoken to him but now I speak to him daily," Irin told reporters.

Safikul is due to meet his wife for the first time in October this year when he eventually comes home for holidays, family members said.

Bride Dies in Wedding Gown

A Lebanese bride from the eastern city of Baalbek passed away last Sunday as her groom was heading to her parents' house to give her a flower bouquet.

An Nahar daily said Tuesday that Zainab al-Masri, 24, was taking photos with her family members in the town of Hourtaala on her wedding day when she fell on the floor and immediately passed away.

The newspaper said the groom, Hassan al-Laqees, and his family went into a state of shock after learning the news.The medical examiner, according to An Nahar, said al-Masri died of heart failure which prevented oxygen from reaching her brain.