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Top 10 Canadian Complaints About Americans

1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel.

2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will.

3. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling.

4. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"

5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called "North Dakota's gay neighbor"

6. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot

7. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan

8. Two words: "Weird Al"

9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with "eh?"

10. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

Barack Obama in Waxwork Museum

Americans wanting meet their new president Barack Obama on January 20, when he takes office, can make their way to the Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London, where they will be allowed to see his lookalike for free.

A besuited, smiling Obama is expected to be unveiled next week, when his wax figure will appear standing with arms crossed in a recreation of the Oval office at the White House, a spokeswoman said on Wednesday.

"On inauguration day, as it's a historic day we thought it fitting that Americans could come and meet the president for free," the spokeswoman added.

"They just need to bring their passport or some form of photo ID." The cheapest entrance fee is usually 12.50 pounds ($19).

Bra Saved 24 Year Old Woman

A 24-year-old American hiker given up for dead by mountain rescuers was saved when she threw her bra into a cable car.

Jessica Brown had fallen off a ledge in the Austrian Alps and was stranded injured for 70 hours in freezing temperatures.

Mountain rescue teams had been looking for her in the wrong place and gave up the search because they believed she'd fallen to her death.

But Jessica spotted a cable car on its way up the mountain in Salzburg and quickly flung her bra into a container carrying food as it passed her.

Workers higher up the peak realised the undies must have been thrown in as a message and sent out a search party.

"It certainly beats sending up a flare," said one rescue worker. "She hadn't been wearing much when she started on her walk and she ended up with even less on," they added.

The woman is now recovering in hospital.

Selling Virgin

AMERICAN shock jock HOWARD STERN will create his biggest outrage yet – by auctioning off a girl’s virginity on his radio show.

The 22-year-old brunette, who is using the pseudonym of NATALIE DYLAN “for safety reasons,” says the money will pay for her college tuition.

She was introduced to Howard by the owner of a brothel in Nevada, one of two US States where prostitution is legal.

The winner of the auction will get to consummate the relationship at the brothel, where the student's sister already works.

Natalie says: “I don't have a moral dilemma with it.

“We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?”

In case anyone doubts her virginity, she is willing to submit to a polygraph test and a gynaecological exam.

The auction will be launched on Stern’s Sirius radio in San Diego today and conducted on the brothel’s website.

Natalie says her mother - a “conservative” fourth-grade teacher - doesn't approve of the auction “but supports me” and she is prepared for the adverse publicity that the stunt will attract.

“I understand some people may condemn me,” she admits. “But I think this is empowering. I'm using what I have to better myself.”

The girl, who already has a bachelor's degree in women's studies at Sacramento State, wants to study for a master’s in marriage and family therapy.

Camel Missing

A camel named Moses and his Shetland pony sidekick Coco have been found unharmed about a mile from the Capital of Texas Zoo a week after they went missing.

Zoo Director Michael Hicks said they were found grazing in a pasture on a cattle ranch Tuesday. Hicks thinks someone dropped the two off in the pasture because it was gated. The gate wasn't locked.

Willie Jones, who spotted the pair, called the Bastrop County Sheriff's Office and a detective notified Hicks. Jones will receive a $3,000 reward.
Hicks said Moses galloped over when he arrived with a bucket of food.

"Moses was awfully glad to see me and was gamboling around like a puppy," Hicks said in Tuesday's online edition of the Austin American-Statesman.

"The pony is ornery and 20 years old so I don't know if she was happy to see me."