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The News We Dont Want To Hear

The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan

The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan

The Koran as read by Salman Rushdie

The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky

How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman

Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes

The Godfather as read by John Gotti

Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace

I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh

Moby Dick as read by Jonah

Crime and Punishment as read by OJ Simpson

A Tale of Two Cities as read by Ed Koch and Rudi Giuliani

The Gulag Archipelago as read by Josef Stalin

Feynman's Lectures On Physics as read by Dan Quayle

The Joy of Cooking as read by Hannibal Lecter

The Wealth of Nations as read by Fidel Castro

Laff lines

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

The Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man's haircut was done, he placed the boy in the chair."I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Bush-sense

"Larry King asked President Bush if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who is about to collect a huge inheritance."-Jimmy Kimmel

All set up

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your exboyfriend.""I know, but I don't hold any grudges.""I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.""Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double.""Wow! Is that true?""I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age.

Talking Dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there."You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.”

The hair. The hips. The skin-tight, rhinestone suits. Hundreds of Elvis Presley lookalikes gyrated their way onto the `Elvis Express' on Friday to take part in one of Australia's biggest tributes to The King.

Some 370 devotees, many decked out with quiff hairstyles, aviator sunglasses, guitars and those infamous suits, will take part in the week-long Countrylink Elvis Festival in Parkes, a town in the Australian outback. It coincides with what would have been Presley's 74th birthday on January 8.

"There were plenty of characters at Central (train station) this morning, a good mix of people, young, old and families as well," Countrylink spokesman Metodi Jovanovski told Reuters.

During the six-hour train trip over mountains and through farming country, fans of Elvis and his actress wife Priscilla Presley will entertain each other, as well as vie for prizes that include the "best dressed on board." The Elvis Festival, which is in its sixth year, is expected to attract about 8,000 people to the town of Parkes, 357 km (222 miles) from Sydney, and nearly doubling its population for the duration of the event.

The 2009 programme features events such as an Elvis gospel church service, a street parade and for romantics, there's the "Back to the Altar with Elvis - Renewal of Wedding Vows" and the "Miss Priscilla Dinner & Big Hair Competition."

140 Year Old Lobster Regain Freedom

A lobster thought to be about 140 years old will be returned to the ocean after briefly becoming the mascot for a New York City restaurant, an animal rights group said on Friday.

The 20-pound (9-kg) lobster was caught off the coast of Canada about two weeks ago and bought for $100 by City Crab and Seafood to become its mascot, said manager Keith Valenti.

"We bought a big lobster, started taking pictures with kids and it worked out real well," said Valenti, adding it was a "no brainer" to return the old crustacean to the ocean.

He said a lobster's age can be worked out from how much it weighs, with each pound counting for 7 to 10 years.

Valenti said it was not uncommon for lobsters to live for more than 100 years but it was rare for them to be caught because they were generally too big for the baskets.

The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals said it found out that the old lobster was in the restaurant's tank when a diner called them. "We applaud the folks at City Crab and Seafood for their compassionate decision to allow this noble old-timer to live out his days in freedom and peace," said PETA's Ingrid Newkirk.

Solution for Mud Fearing Pig?

A piglet in Northern England who developed a phobia of mud has overcome its fear with the aid of some Wellington boots.

Cinders, a young saddleback pig, appeared to have a condition called mysophobia - a fear of dirt - having refused to wallow in the mud with her siblings.

Her owners had the idea of fitting her with the bespoke miniature footwear to help conquer her fear.Debbie and Andrew Keeble run a sausage company in Thirsk, North Yorkshire.

However, they have said that Cinders will be spared the butcher's knife and instead act as a mascot to the Farm Crisis Network which supports struggling farmers.

115 Year Old Brain Is Still Energetic

A Dutch woman who was the oldest person in the world when she died at age 115 in 2005 appeared sharp right up to the end, joking that pickled herring was the secret to her longevity. Scientists say that Henrikje van Andel-Schipper's mind was probably as good as it seemed: a post-mortem analysis of her brain revealed few signs of Alzheimer's or other diseases commonly associated with a decline in mental ability in old age.

That came as something of a surprise, said Gert Holstege, a professor at Groningen University, whose findings will be published in the August edition of Neurobiology of Aging. "Everybody was thinking that when you have a brain over 100 years, you have a lot of problems," he said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press on Friday. He cited a common hardening of arteries and the build up of proteins associated with Alzheimer's disease as examples. "This is the first (extremely old) brain that did not have these problems."

Van Andel was the oldest living person in the world at the time of her death in 2005 in the Dutch city of Hoogeveen, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. In 1972, the then 82-year-old Van Andel called the University of Groningen in order to donate her body to science. She called again at age 111 because she worried she might no longer be of interest. At that time Holstege began to interview her, testing her cognitive abilities at ages 112 and 113.

Though she had problems with her eyesight, she was alert and performing better than the average 60- to 75-year-old. Dr. Murali Doraiswamy of the Center for Aging at Duke University, not associated with the study, said it is unusual and valuable. In the first place there are few "super-centenarians" - people 110 and older - alive at any one time, a slim proportion of the world's population and a scant number even compared to those who reach 100 years. As a result, he said, there are few chances to study brains as old as hers. "It's very rare to be able to do not only a post-mortem, but also be able to have tested her two, three years before she died," said Doraiswamy.

"For a scientist, getting the opportunity to study someone like that is like winning the lottery." Doraiswamy, an Alzheimer's expert, said that the proportion of brains with some buildup of proteins associated with the disease increases with age. As a result, experts theorize anybody who lives long enough will get them eventually. When Van Andel died, the director of the elderly home where she was living declined to give a cause of death, pointing to her extremely advanced years. Holstege said she died of cancer. "

She died from stomach cancer, and you and I can also die from stomach cancer," he said, adding that her case demonstrates that very old people die of diseases, not simply old age. "It is very important to treat the elderly as normal people, as if they are 50 or 60." He noted that Van Andel was operated on at age 100 for breast cancer and survived 15 more years. When she was born in 1890, she weighed only 3.5 pounds, and her mother expected her to die in infancy. Van Andel's husband died in 1959. She had no children.

Longevity was in her genes, as all her siblings lived past 70, and her mother died at the age of 100. Asked what advice she would give to people who want to live a long time, she once quipped: "Keep breathing."

Single Horned Deer Excites Fans

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head - much like the fabled, mythical unicorn - has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy, park officials said Wednesday. "This is fantasy becoming reality," Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, told The Associated Press.

"The unicorn has always been a mythological animal." The 1-year-old Roe Deer - nicknamed "Unicorn" - was born in captivity in the research center's park in the Tuscan town of Prato, near Florence, Tozzi said. He is believed to have been born with a genetic flaw; his twin has two horns. Calling it the first time he has seen such a case, Tozzi said such anomalies among deer may have inspired the myth of the unicorn.

The unicorn, a horse-like creature with magical healing powers, has appeared in legends and stories throughout history, from ancient and medieval texts to the adventures of Harry Potter.

"This shows that even in past times, there could have been animals with this anomaly," he said by telephone. "It's not like they dreamed it up." Single-horned deer are rare but not unheard of - but even more unusual is the central positioning of the horn, experts said. "Generally, the horn is on one side (of the head) rather than being at the center. This looks like a complex case," said Fulvio Fraticelli, scientific director of Rome's zoo.

He said the position of the horn could also be the result of a trauma early in the animal's life. Other mammals are believed to contribute to the myth of the unicorn, including the narwhal, a whale with a long, spiraling tusk.

60 Years Old Proves Her Virginity

A Romanian fed up with neighbours' gossip has been to a gynaecologist to prove she is still a virgin at the age of 60.

Rodica Trandafir, 60, from Bacau county in eastern Romania, posted the results of her virginity test to neighbours to stop rumours in her hometown.

She told local media: "I'd had enough of locals gossiping - they said men kept coming to my house at all times of the day and night."

She has now visited a gynaecologist who confirmed she was a virgin and gave her a certificate to prove it - which she then posted it to all her neighbours.

She added: "There has been some nasty gossip about me. The men my neighbours are talking about are relatives who are helping me do some work on my house.

"To make such accusations about a woman of my age is disgusting. I hope now they will all shut up. To claim I am a loose woman of any kind is outrageous."

Violence in EURO 2008

Four couples in the same road ended up in custody in Italy after fighting over watching Euro 2008 on TV.

A police spokesman in Lucca said: "We kept getting calls about disturbances in the same road and at first we though they were about one single incident but the addresses were all different.

"When our officers got to the four different houses we found though it was the same argument - the men had refused to let their wives watch films when the football was on."The women had been so angry they attacked their husbands.

We had to take all of them into custody before we could resolve the matters," added the spokesman

Rat Woman

Outside a shrine in the dusty Pakistani city of Gujrat, a "rat woman" with a tiny head sits on a filthy mattress and takes money from worshippers.

Nadia, 25, is one of hundreds of young microcephalics -- people born with small skulls and protruding noses and ears because of a genetic mutation -- who can be found on the streets of Gujrat, in central Punjab province.Officials say many of them have been sold off by their families to begging mafias, who exploit a tradition that the "rat children" are sacred offerings to Shah Daula, the shrine's 17th century Sufi saint."

These are God's children. We are proud to look after her," said Ijaz Hussain, the shrine's government-employed custodian.According to local legend, infertile women who pray at Shah Daula's shrine will be granted children, but at a terrible price.

The first child will be born microcephalic and must be given to the shrine, or else any further children will have the same deformity.Hussain said Nadia was just a young child when she was dumped at the shrine 20 years ago."Since that day we have taken care of her, she is like family to us. People come here for prayers and seek fulfillment of their desires but they are respectful towards her," added Hussain, 56.

Pakistan's government says it has tried to crack down on exploitation of the "chuhas" (Urdu for rats) and says it plans to set up a shelter in Gujrat to rehabilitate them.The shrine stopped officially accepting microcephalics in the 1960s when the government took over the site.But not only does it still keep Nadia at its gate, the town's beggar masters also keep the superstition alive."Get lost! I don't want to talk to you," shouted a bearded beggar master in Gujrat's main bus station, grabbing a microcephalic woman by the hand and leading her through the crowds when asked to comment on his actions.

Bus passengers gave the woman money, as many believe it is bad luck not to.The high incidence of microcephalics in Gujrat, an industrial city of around one million people, has long been a bone of contention.

The popular belief among many Pakistanis -- that cruel beggar gangs clamp the children's heads in infancy -- is strongly denied by government and advocacy groups, who say there is no evidence to support this.Recent medical studies say the most likely cause is that the normally rare recessive genes behind many microcephaly cases crop up with greater frequency because of the common custom of marrying cousins in Pakistan.

But finding the cause is easier than stamping out the exploitation of "rat children" in the name of religion, says Pir Nasiruddaula, a descendant of the saint who has written several books on the shrine."The myth of the chuhas has been exploited by beggar mafias and religious groups," said Nasiruddaula, a former science professor in his 70s."They roam the villages and if the real chuha is born they give them some money and they take them," he said."But what kind of saint would really curse issueless women with the 'blessing' of deformed children?"

Rakhshan Sohail, of the Punjab provincial government's Child Protection and Welfare Bureau, said his department planned to establish a center in Gujrat to stamp out exploitation of microcephalics.Sohail said his department had busted more than 30 gangs across the province involved in exploiting street children.

VIRGIN BIRTH in a Shark

A blacktip shark in the wild patrols the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean .Scientists have confirmed the second case of a "virgin birth" in a shark.

A blacktip shark in the wild patrols the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean.

In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female blacktip shark in a Virginia aquarium contained no genetic material from a male.

The first documented case of asexual reproduction, or parthenogenesis, among sharks involved a pup born to a hammerhead at an Omaha, Nebraska, zoo.

"This first case was no fluke," Demian Chapman, a shark scientist and lead author of the second study, said in a statement. "It is quite possible that this is something female sharks of many species can do on occasion."

The scientists cautioned that the rare asexual births should not be viewed as a possible solution to declining global shark populations. The aquarium sharks that reproduced without mates each carried only one pup, while some species can produce litters of a dozen or more.

"It is very unlikely that a small number of female survivors could build their numbers up very quickly by undergoing virgin birth," Chapman said.

The medical mystery began 16 months ago after the death of Tidbit, a blacktip shark that had lived for eight years at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center in Virginia Beach. No male blacktip sharks were present during her eight years.

In May 2007, the 5-foot, 94-pound shark died after it was given a sedative before undergoing a yearly checkup. The 10-inch shark pup was found during a necropsy, surprising aquarium officials. They initially thought the embryonic pup was either the product of a virgin birth or a cross between the blacktip and a male of another shark species -- which has never been documented, Chapman said.

Tidbit's pup was nearly full term, and likely would have been quickly eaten by "really big sand tiger sharks" that were in the tank, Chapman said in a telephone interview from Florida.

That is what happened to the tiny hammerhead pup in the Omaha case.

"By the time they could realize what they were looking at, something munched the baby," he said of aquarium workers. The remains of the pup were used for the DNA testing.

Virgin birth has been proven in some bony fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds, and has been suspected among sharks in the wild.

The scientists who studied the Virginia and Nebraska sharks said the newly formed pups acquired one set of chromosomes when the mother's chromosomes split during egg development, then united anew.

Absent the chromosomes present in the male sperm, the offspring of an asexual conception have reduced genetic diversity and, the scientists said, may be at a disadvantage for surviving in the wild. A pup, for instance, can be more susceptible to congenital disorders and diseases.

The scientists said their findings offer "intriguing questions" about how frequently automictic parthenogenesis occurs in the wild.

"It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates," said Mahmood Shivji, one of

the scientists and director of the Guy Harvey Research Institute at Nova Southeastern University in Florida.

The DNA fingerprinting techniques used by the scientists are identical to those used in human paternity testing.

Chapman, who is with the Institute for Ocean Conservation Science at Stony Brook, was assisted in the study by Beth Firchau of the Virginia Aquarium.Chapman and Shivji were on the team that made the first discovery of virgin birth involving the Nebraska shark

Fat Mackerel Make Dolphin Chubby

Trainer Takeshi Kakimoto feeds mackerel to dolphins Tuesday at Kinosaki Marine World in Toyooka, Japan.

Dolphins at a Japanese marine park are going on a low-fat diet after developing pot bellies and failing to look sharp in their performances.

Kinosaki Marine World in western Japan said Tuesday that all its 19 dolphins have been on a low fat-diet since late August, when they began to demonstrating an inability to hit jumping targets and remain upright while treading water.

"We were puzzled by their poor performance, then we noticed they looked rounder," said park spokesman Haruo Imazu.

Keepers measured their weight and found all had gotten plumper, some up to 22 pounds heavier just during the summer.

All had the same menu -- about 31 pounds of mackerel mixed with some white fish -- but keepers found the mackerels had gotten fattier, adding too many calories for the dolphins.

Keepers immediately put them on a weight-loss program, feeding them more white fish and less fatty mackerels, while instituting a routine exercise regime, Imazu said.

Less fat and moderate exercise seem to be working, he said.

Camel Missing

A camel named Moses and his Shetland pony sidekick Coco have been found unharmed about a mile from the Capital of Texas Zoo a week after they went missing.

Zoo Director Michael Hicks said they were found grazing in a pasture on a cattle ranch Tuesday. Hicks thinks someone dropped the two off in the pasture because it was gated. The gate wasn't locked.

Willie Jones, who spotted the pair, called the Bastrop County Sheriff's Office and a detective notified Hicks. Jones will receive a $3,000 reward.
Hicks said Moses galloped over when he arrived with a bucket of food.

"Moses was awfully glad to see me and was gamboling around like a puppy," Hicks said in Tuesday's online edition of the Austin American-Statesman.

"The pony is ornery and 20 years old so I don't know if she was happy to see me."

Elvis Presley Became Top Earning Death Celebrity

Elvis Presley may have left the building several decades ago, but his earning power is far from diminished with Forbes.com ranking him the top-earning dead celebrity for the second year in a row.

Presley pulled in $52 million in the past year, helped by increased visitors to his Graceland estate to commemorate the 30th anniversary of his death and new ventures like the Elvis Sirius Satellite Radio show, according to the web site.

"While things might be topsy-turvy in the financial markets above ground, it's still a bull market in the boneyard," Forbes.com said.
Presley earned more between October 2007 and October 2008 than some of the music industry's biggest living pop stars like Justin Timberlake ($44 million) and Madonna ($40 million), Forbes.com said.

Coming in at No. 2 with $33 million in earnings was cartoonist Charles Schulz, who died in 2000 and is best known for his "Peanuts" comic strip, while Australian actor Heath Ledger nabbed third spot.

Ledger, 28, died from an accidental prescription drug overdose in January and his last film role was as the Joker in "The Dark Knight."

"With the 'The Dark Knight' grossing $991 million in box office revenue worldwide, we estimate his earnings at $20 million," the web site said.

Forbes.com said it spoke to experts and sources inside the dead celebrities' estates and researched gross earnings, before taxes, management fees and other costs, from the period of October 2007 to October 2008 to come up with the rankings.

German-born physicist Albert Einstein comes in at No. 4 with $18 million in earnings, mainly from Baby Einstein, the majority Disney owned videos and toys for children, while TV producer Aaron Spelling -- whose shows include "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Charlie's Angels" -- was ranked No. 5 with $15 million in earnings.
The full list can be found at http://www.forbes.com/.

Fattest Pet Compete in Slimming Contest

Eight of Britain's fattest pets are to embark on a 100-day diet and fitness regime in a bid to crowned this year's pet fit club champion.

The seven dogs and one cat, who are all more than 30 percent overweight and weigh a combined total of 191 kg (30 stones), were picked by veterinary charity PDSA who are running the slimming contest.

The animals, who need to lose a total of 74 kg to reach their ideal weight, will be put on specially tailored diet and exercise programs.

The pet who achieves the biggest percentage weight loss and best follows their new regime will be crowned champion, winning their owner a pet-friendly holiday.

PDSA statistics show around 30 percent of Britain's dogs are overweight or obese, amounting to around 1.95 million fat dogs.

"Alongside their daily portions of pet food, owners often show their affection by giving unhealthy human treats such as cheese, buttered toast and biscuits. They don't realize they are actually killing their pets with kindness," said Sean Wensley, a veterinary surgeon at PDSA.

Bra for the Boys Bestseller

Who said bras are only for women? A Japanese online lingerie retailer is selling bras for cross-dressing men and they've quickly become one of its most popular items.

Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men's bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. The shop also stocks men's panties, as well as lingerie for women.

"I like this tight feeling. It feels good," Wishroom representative Masayuki Tsuchiya told Reuters as he modeled the bra, which can be worn discreetly under men's clothing.

Wishroom Executive Director Akiko Okunomiya said she was surprised at the number of men who were looking for their inner woman.

"I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. Since we launched the men's bra, we've been getting feedback from customers saying 'wow, we'd been waiting for this for such a long time'," she said.

But the bra, available in black, pink and white, is not an easy sell for all men.

The underwear has stirred a heated debate online with more than 8,000 people debating the merits of men wearing bras in one night on Mixi, Japan's top social network website.

($1=94.34 Yen)

Man Without Money

An economics graduate is about to begin a year-long mission to live without money.

Mark Boyle, 29, plans to put his potatoes where his mouth is and become the ultimate 'freeconomist' by ditching cash for 12 months.

He intends to live completely off the land and waste products he scrounges around his borrowed caravan at Timsbury, near Bath.

And he'll even use his very own composting toilet for good measure.

"I've been preparing a lot over the last couple of months, but the challenge will be the things I can't plan for - a broken arm, exhaustion or the worst case scenario, a family bereavement," he said.

"I suspect the most difficult thing will be socialising in a world that revolves around money. I'll be living on a day-to-day basis, hand to mouth, which means I'll never really know where my next meal comes from."

Mark plans to scour skips and other people's rubbish to find what he needs. He'll also make use of a scheme called Freecycle, a network of recycling enthusiasts; and Freeconomy which allows people to swap skills.

A friend, he says, will pay his National Insurance for the 12 months.

"Any skills you need you can get through Freeconomy and with other 'pay-it-forward' based organisations such as Liftshare and Couch-surfing now flourishing, the simple life doesn't have to be so difficult anymore," he said.

And with the credit crunch biting Mark, from Bristol, believes there's never been a better time to seek out the good life.

"It is the disconnection we have with what we consume that is the primary cause of the wasteful culture we live in today," he explained.

"If we all had to grow our own food again we wouldn't waste one third of it. We've absolutely no respect or real appreciation for the energy that goes into the things we consume and buy today, so we think nothing of throwing them away."

Mark will be hoping this 'freebie' experiment goes a bit better than his last cashless odyssey.
In February he set off to visit Gandhi's birthplace on India's west coast, aiming to get there without spending a penny.

But he only managed to get to Calais - about 300 miles - before cold and the language barrier forced him to hang up his boots. He then had to use money to pay for his trip back to Britain.
At the time he told Sky News: "Not only did no one speak the language, they also see us as just a bunch of freeloading backpackers, which is the complete opposite of what the pilgrimage is really about.

"The advice was to make a bee line for Belgium as folk said they would be more likely to want to speak some English.

"The only trouble was the first decent-sized town in Belgium was 170km away, and all we had was three tins of soup, a bag of trail mix and a chocolate bar to sustain us."

Mr Boyle begins his money-less mission tomorrow (Sat) - on the rather aptly named Buy Nothing Day.

Fun Stories

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes.

Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:- It's dark here.- Yes it is.- I've got a soccer ball.- That's nice.- Do you want to buy it?- No, thanks.- My dad is outside.- Ok, how much?- 250 dollars.

After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:- It's dark here.- Yes it is. - I've got a soccer cleats.

Remembering what happened last time, man asks:- How much?- 750 dollars.- Ok.After few days, father says to his son:- Lets go and play soccer.- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.- How much did you get?- 1000 dollars.- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth.

That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:- It's dark here.Priest:- Don't start with that shit again!!!

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz."

A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.The women won.

(Guys, that's a joke!)

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:- Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when you're not there.- Did you dance much?- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

R U Scared of Obama

Indian IT, IT-service’s companies are not feared by Obama’s proposal to repeal tax breaks for companies that outsource certain operations to offshore centers.
The tax plan by Obama stats that US companies who doesn’t outsource their job work will get a better tax benefit and by this will create job opportunity to robust US economy and stabilize the market.

The tax plan proposed by Obama, who will be sworn in as president on Jan. 20, seeks to revoke this benefit. “Such provisions may have the perverse effect of making US companies uncompetitive in overseas markets rather than deterring offshoring,” the Macquarie analysts said.

“I don’t see Obama doing anything terribly drastic. I think he has enough on his plate; he has got a trillion-dollar bailout and probably got another trillion dollars coming on top of that which he has to finance,” Genpact Ltd’s Chief Executive Pramod Bhasin said at the Reuters India Investment Summit.

Indian IT-services companies like Infosys, Wipro and Tata Consultancy Services Ltd could get an edge over US companies such as Cognizant and IBM, they said. The India-domiciled companies will continue to pay lower taxes, while Cognizant and IBM will have to pay out more, the analysts said.

“Barack Obama will repeal tax breaks that reward corporations that retain their earnings overseas, and will use those savings to lower corporate tax rates for companies that expand or start operations in the United States,” according to Obama’s website, www.barackobama.com.

Obama’s tax plans are unlikely to affect the outsourcing industry because of the scarcity of IT talent in the United States, Suresh Senapaty, chief financial officer of Wipro Ltd, told the summit, held at Reuters Bangalore office.