QUOTATION

QUOTATION

What’s another word for thesaurus? -- Steven Wright


Some are born great; some achieve greatness, & some hire PR officers. -- Daniel J. Boorstin


Build a man a fire, & he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, & he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. ----- Terry Pratchett


Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. -- Dave Barry


And my parents finally realize that I’m kidnapped & they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. -- Woody Allen


You can only be young once but you can be immature forever. -- Dave Berry


You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today & we don’t know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeners


I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. -- Les Dawson


Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright


The pen is mightier than the sword, & considerably easier to write with. -- Marty Feldman


Memory is a strange bell
Jubilee & knell -- Emily Dickinson


See, now they vanish,
The faces & places, with the self which, as
It could loved them,
To become renewed, transfigured, in another pattern. -- T.S.Eliot

WEIRD NEWS

WEIRD NEWS

CHINESE ELEPHANT KICKS HEROIN HABIT

Once a drug-addicted elephant, fed heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders, will return home after emerging clean from a 3 year rehabilitation program on China’s tropical island province of Hainan.

Traders who used spiked bananas to control him captured the 4 year old bull elephant in 2005 in southwest China.

After police arrested the traders & freed the elephant a few months later, he was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms & was sent to a wild animal protection center in Hainan for rehab.

A year of methadone injections at 5 times the human dosage had helped wean the elephant off his addiction.

Now clean, the elephant was expected to arrive on Saturday at a wildlife park in Kunming. His return would cap a 1500km journey home & mark another step in the elephant’s triumph over addiction.

LAUGH TIME

LAUGH TIME

A man went into a bar in a high rise building. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window & jump out. He flew around for a minute & zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more.
Finally, the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered $500 to no avail, so he made a final offer of a $1000. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrender the pill, & turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, & jumped out only to fall to his death.

The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar &, wiping a glass, said, “You are such a jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”



MEN ALWAYS HAVE BETTER FRIENDS


Men always have better friends………….

They will stand by you, no matter what………..!!!


Here’s an example:

Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very
next morning, that she stayed at her(girl) friend’s apartment overnight.

So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends & none of them confirmed that she was with them.


Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
next morning, that he stayed at his friend’s apartment overnight.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends & 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night & he is still with them!!

JOKES

JOKES

WEIRD RESUME CLAIMS

Top 10 Least Impressive Resume Claims

10. Supervised Southern Florida election process, 2000 – 2001.
9. Graduated in top 95% of high school class.
8. Designed & implemented company-wide plastic silverware recycling program.
7. Promoted to assistant groundskeeper after just 8 years.
6. Hobbies / Interests : Puppetry, Star Trek.
5. Published in Penthouse Forum, April 1980, August 1981.
4. Professional affiliations : American Bar Association, Former Inmates of America.
3. Created Herbal Essence “orgasmic” shampoo commercials.
2. Skills include : Reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmetic.
1. Invented the Internet.


It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale were the mail reason for the long line that formed in front of the store 8:30, the store’s opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud & colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, & then thrown to the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I’m not opening the store!”




A man had been driving all night & by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, & park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out & saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, Sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock & answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks & left. The man settled back again, & was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window & another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks & left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by & he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen & paper & put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”





The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked, “Who never talks to mother?
Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, daddy, you get the toy.”




The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurance at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand, “Yes,” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’

COMIC PICTURE

COMIC PICTURE

FUNNY PICTURE

FUNNY PICTURE

COMIC SCENE

COMIC SCENE

COMIC PICTURE

COMIC PICTURE