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The News We Dont Want To Hear

The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan

The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan

The Koran as read by Salman Rushdie

The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky

How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman

Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes

The Godfather as read by John Gotti

Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace

I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh

Moby Dick as read by Jonah

Crime and Punishment as read by OJ Simpson

A Tale of Two Cities as read by Ed Koch and Rudi Giuliani

The Gulag Archipelago as read by Josef Stalin

Feynman's Lectures On Physics as read by Dan Quayle

The Joy of Cooking as read by Hannibal Lecter

The Wealth of Nations as read by Fidel Castro

Want A Healthy Heart?

All of us want that our hearts must live healthy. To keep our hearts healthy some instructions are necessary to observe.

• Be calm and cool. Do not take stress; it is very harmful for your heart.

• Carry out exercise regularly. You can perform aerobic, walking, cycling or jogging.

• Do meditation; it will help keep you hale and hearty.

• Do not take excess salt and cholesterol. Take olive oil, soybean, vegetable oil temperately.

• Try to avoid beef, fast food and unhygienic food.

• Cigarettes and alcohols are too much dangerous for your heart. Be detached from such things.

• Eat fruits, vegetables, fiber, nuts regularly. Drink more water.

Recent Quips from Late Night

"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that?

In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno "The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar.

Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien "I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson.

In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine.

Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people.

Communists [on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart "For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno "On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states.

Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien "Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true.

The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart "And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't."

--Jay Leno "This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien

China Breaks Up Male Prostitute Ring

Four Chinese men have been jailed for up to 5- years for running a male prostitution service that sold sex to other men, state media said Wednesday.

Zheng Shuyi registered the website nannanboy.com -- the word "nan" being Chinese for "man" -- and advertised it as a spa, but he used it to recruit male prostitutes, the official Xinhua news agency said on its website (http://www.xinhuanet.com/).

He then hired two rooms and sold sex for up to 400 yuan ($60) a session, the report said.
The prostitutes, based in the eastern province of Zhejiang, "went when they were called and offered their services," it added.

Zheng's defense had tried to argue that the law against prostitution only applied to women selling sex. The court disagreed and said the law did not define the sex, Xinhua said.

While homosexuality is not illegal in China, prostitution is. One of the men, who had syphilis, was also found guilty of spreading a sexual disease.

Prostitution was stamped out in the years following the Communist revolution in 1949, but has returned with a vengeance following sweeping economic and social reforms over the last three decades.

R U A JEWISH

Proof that Jesus was…

Jewish:

1. He went into his father’s business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink.

Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother did not know who his father was.

Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.

2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.

3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Cat With Hypnotic Eyes

"Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes. [click] You're under!"

That was a line from amazing hypnotist character Kenny Craig from the 'Little Britain' award-winning British TV series.

We don't know about you, but we think our two-year-old Saudi kitty above has very hypnotic eyes. Just keep looking into them, and you will soon be under their spell.

Kitty has one brown eye and one blue eye and is a mixture of Persian and Siamese. And Kitty comes from Riyadh.

THE THREE BILLY-GOATS GRUFF

Once upon a time there were three billy-goats called Gruff.

One fine day, the three billy-goats Gruff set off up the hillside. They were going to look for some sweet grass to eat so that they could grow fat.

On the way up the hillside, the three billy-goats Gruff came to a river. On the other side of the river was a beautiful meadow. In the meadow was the finest grass they had ever seen.

There was a wooden bridge over the river. Under the bridge there lived an ugly troll. People were afraid to cross the bridge because of the troll. Every time he heard footsteps on the bridge, he popped out and gobbled up the person who was trying to cross.

The three billy-goats Gruff were very frightened at the thought of the troll. Yet they longed to eat the sweet grass in the meadow, on the other side of the river.

After a while, the youngest billy-goat Gruff said that he would be the first to try to cross the bridge.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, went the hooves of the youngest billy-goat Gruff on the wooden bridge.

Out popped the troll’s ugly head. He was so ugly that the youngest billy-goat Gruff nearly fell down with fright. “Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?” roared the troll.

The youngest billy-goat Gruff spoke in a tiny voice. “It’s only me, the littlest billy-goat Gruff, ” he said. “I’m going to the meadow to make myself fat.” “Then I’m coming to gobble you up,” roared the troll.

“Oh! No! Please don’t gobble me up,” said the youngest billy-goat Gruff, in a tiny voice. “I’m far too little and not at all fat. Wait until the second billy-goat Gruff comes along. He’s much fatter than I am. ”

“Very well,” said the troll. “Be off with you! I’ll wait until the second billy-goat Gruff comes along.” So the youngest billy-goat Gruff crossed the bridge and skipped off into the meadow to eat the sweet grass.

Then the second billy-goat Gruff said that he would try to cross the bridge. Trip, trap, trip, trap, went the hooves of the second billy-goat Gruff on the wooden bridge.

Out popped the troll’s ugly head. He was so ugly that the youngest billy-goat Gruff nearly fell down with fright. “Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?” roared the troll.

The second billy-goat Gruff spoke in a rather soft voice. “It’s only me, the second billy-goat Gruff,” he said. “I’m going to the meadow to make myself fat.” “Then I’m coming to gobble you up,” roared the troll.

“Oh! No! Please don’t gobble me up,” said the second billy-goat Gruff, in his rather soft voice. “I’m not very big and not very fat. Wait until the third billy-goat Gruff comes along. He’s very big and very fat. ”

“Very well,” said the troll. “Be off with you! I’ll wait until the third billy-goat Gruff comes along.” So the second billy-goat Gruff crossed the bridge and skipped off into the meadow to eat the sweet grass.

Then at last, up came the eldest billy-goat Gruff, to try to cross the bridge. He was a very big billy-goat. His beard was long and his horns were almost fully grown.

TRIP, TRAP, TRIP, TRAP, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, went the hooves of the eldest billy-goat Gruff on the wooden bridge.

Out popped the troll’s ugly head. He was so ugly that the youngest billy-goat Gruff nearly fell down with fright. But he did not show it. He only stamped his hooves harder - TRIP, TRAP, TRIP, TRAP, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

“Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?” roared the troll. The eldest billy-goat Gruff’s voice was even louder and gruffer than the troll’s voice. “It’s me, the biggest billy-goat Gruff,” he bellowed.

“Then I’m coming to gobble you up,” roared the troll.
“Oh no you are not!,” bellowed the eldest billy-goat Gruff. “I’m coming to gobble you up! ” And he stamped his feet even louder; TRIP, TRAP, TRIP, TRAP, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

After that, the eldest billy-goat Gruff butted the troll with his big horns. The troll fell off the bridge and into the river.

The ugly troll fell head first into the deep water. There was a mighty splash and he did not come up again.

So that was the end of the ugly troll.

From this time on, people went over the bridge without fear. Never again did the troll pop his head out from under the bridge to roar,“Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?”

Then the three billy-goats Gruff lived happily in the meadow on the hillside. They ate the sweet grass and they really did get fat.

Funny Sms

# Do you know that men and women are angels created with only one wing? And they need to embrace each other to be able to fly... Hope you can find your angel whom you can fly with forever.

# When You give your heart When time comes for u to give ur heart to someone, make sure u select someone who will never break ur heart, coz broken hearts has never spare parts. Write on Bricks.

# One day you will ask me: What is more important to you, me or your life? I will say: my life. You will walk away from me without knowing that YOU ARE MY LIFE!

# In my life I learned how to love to smile to be happy to be strong to work hard to be honest to be faithful to forgive but I couldn't learn how to stop remembering you.

# if one day u feel like crying. CALL ME i don't promise u that. i will make u laugh but i can cry with u if one day u want 2 run away. don't b afraid to call me. i don't promise 2 ask u 2 stop but I can run with u if one day u don't want 2 listen ANY BODY! call me and.... i promise 2 b very quiet but.... if one day u call & there is no answer.. come fast 2 see me... perhaps I need u..

# system of love Jan-ROSE, Feb-PROPOSE, Mar-GIFT, Apri-LIFT, May-CHATING, June-DATING, July-Miss U, Aug-MEET U, Sep-ANGER, Oct-DANGER, Nov-LEFT, Dec-NEXT...

# 10 advantages of not having a "LOVER"..
1. save time.
2. can sleep well.
3. Don't have 2 bother about missed calls..
4. Don't have to worry about how u look..
5. Can eat in any restaurant..
6. No boring sms in the middle of night..
7. Can talk with all gals..
8. U won't hear "aaw.. U r dull today"..
9. Can go anywhere with any one..
10. Don't have 2 listen same old crap jokes..
BONUS:- U will live a long life.......so be aware of LOVER

# Keep.....................IN TOUCH WITH ME.....OTHERWISE............................1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 ALL..........UR TEETH WILL B BROKEN!

# positive thinking is a bit like this: a little bird in the sky u look up it shits in ur eyes, u dont mind u, dont cry, u just thank god that, cows dont fly

SNOW WHITE AND THE 7 DWARFS

Snow White lives with a beautiful Queen. The Queen has a magic mirror. The Queen likes to look in her magic mirror. She says, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of us all?”

The mirror says, “You are the fairest,” and the Queen is pleased.

One day the Queen looks into her magic mirror and says, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest of us all?”

The mirror says, ”Snow White is the fairest.”

The Queen is angry. She says to a man, ”Go with Snow White and kill her."

Snow White and the man go off into the forest. Snow White says, “Please do not kill me I will make my home here in the forest. You can say that you killed me. I will not go home to the Queen”

“Of you go then,” says the man. Snow White goes off into the forest. She sees a little white house. She stops to look at it.

Snow White looks into the little house. No one is at home. She goes in. All the things in the house are little. Snow White gets into one of the little beds.

Some dwarfs live in the little house. They come home and see Snow White in bed. “Who I s this girl?” they say.

Snow White gets up. She sees the dwarfs. “Please help me” she says. “The Queen wants to kill me.” “You can live here with us,” say the dwarfs. Snow White thanks the dwarfs.

The dwarfs go off into the forest to work, and Snow White works in the house all day.

One day the Queen looks into her magic mirror and says, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest of us all?”

The mirror says, “Snow White is the fairest.” “What?” says the Queen. “Snow White is not here. She is dead.” “No,” says the mirror. “Snow White is not dead. She lives with some dwarfs in a little white house in the forest.”

The Queen is angry. “I have to kill Snow White,” she says. She gets some apples. One of the apples is big and red. The Queen puts poison on the big red apple.

The Queen puts on her black cloak. She goes to look for Snow White. She comes to the little white house and says, “Can I come in?”

Snow White looks to see who is there. The Queen says, “Here is a big red apple for you.” She gives Snow White the apple with poison on it.

Snow White likes apples. She thanks the Queen and has one bite of the apple. Then she falls down as if she is dead. The Queen is pleased.

The Queen goes home and looks in her magic mirror. She says, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest of us all?” “You are the fairest,” says the mirror.

The dwarf come home and think that Snow White is dead. “What can we do?” they say.
A Prince comes to the house. He sees Snow White and stops to look at her. “What a beautiful girl” he says. He picks Snow White up, and the piece of poisoned apple falls from her mouth. Snow White looks at the Prince.

The Prince says to Snow White, “Please marry me.” “Yes” says Snow White. She thanks the dwarfs, and then she goes away with the Prince.

The Queen says to her magic mirror, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest of us all?” “Snow White is the fairest, and she is going to marry the Prince,” says the mirror. The Queen is so angry that she falls down dead.

Snow White and the Prince get married. Everyone is very happy.

MOTTO : BE HAPPY WHAT YOU HAVE